December 2025: How to Talk So Your Family Listens

“A family is like a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece corresponds to a family member and the strengths he or she possesses. Not everyone is going to share the same strengths. Not everyone is going to be prone to the same weaknesses. However, when all the pieces come together to form a whole, it couldn’t be what it is without every one of them”

— unknown

Greetings!

Over Thanksgiving weekend, my husband, adult sons, and I set out to create a family mission statement. We knew that, in addition to spending time with extended family and reuniting with friends, we wanted to designate time for purposeful conversation among the four of us. We did so, not because we’re particularly organized, but because I had a yearning to bring to my own family what I have done for years with other families in my professional life. To my delight, the three of them embraced my enthusiasm for us to articulate together what we stand for and the legacy we want to create, both individually and as a family.

The notion of a family mission statement may sound odd. It may seem like the kind of thing that’s only done by extremely wealthy, dynastic families: something that either happens effortlessly, or becomes an awkward exercise confirming why your family can’t be in the same room, let alone create the space for meaningful conversations.

But we discovered that the conversations that lead to something like a mission statement don’t happen by accident. They happen by intentional design. And the design matters more than the outcome.

“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone… and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.”

— Sandra Day O’Connor

When I reflected afterward on the themes, I discovered that our whole was definitely greater than the sum of our parts. I was fascinated by what we had in common. The real learning and the “a-ha” magic, though, was in exploring our differences as we uncovered how our distinct strengths actually complement each other.

This resonates now because when people ask about my family philanthropy coaching work, I am sometimes met with, “My family could never work together on anything meaningful. We’re just too different.” The presumption is that to be successful working together requires thinking and acting alike. What my family just experienced, and what I’ve witnessed through decades of working with other families, is that difference isn’t the problem. It’s key to the design.

The truth is that meaningful family conversations don’t just happen. We’ve all experienced the opposite. One person suggests talking about something important, and within minutes someone is defensive, someone else is dominating, another person has checked out, and someone else is wondering why we are even trying.

A couple of weeks ago, I heard a speaker talk about creating the conditions for those deep “10 p.m. conversations,” the moments when defenses are down, and real connection happens. I appreciate that image, but those moments don’t just materialize organically. We have to be intentional. The question isn’t whether your family can talk. More precisely it’s whether you know how to create the conditions where everyone will actually listen and share.

Here’s what made our conversation work:

We set aside real time. Several hours over two sessions when we weren’t rushing to the next thing. Deep conversations need space.

We made it explicit. I asked my family to set aside the time and we cleared our other obligations. Everyone knew what we were doing and why.

We created structure without rigidity. We used some exercises that I have found to be helpful as prompts. We created space for everyone to speak. We listened without immediately responding. When someone shared a vulnerability or said something surprising, we asked about it rather than debating it. Curiosity opened doors.

The conversation worked not because my family is uniquely skilled with communication, but because we designed it to work. We created conditions where honest sharing felt safe. As Priya Parker persuades in The Art of Gathering, intentional design makes gatherings transformative.

After our conversation, I mapped everyone’s character strengths . When I laid them side by side, patterns emerged that I hadn’t been able to articulate before.

Some of us lead with relationship strengths: love, kindness, social intelligence. These create the foundation that makes collaboration possible.

Two of us bring hope and zest translating to the belief that a good future is achievable and the energy to pursue it. These fuel forward movement.

Two of us offer leadership and perseverance manifested as the ability to mobilize resources, inspire others, and finish what we start. These turn vision into reality.

A few of us contribute honesty and judgment. We think things through carefully, being authentic, making thoughtful decisions. These ground everything in integrity.

No one person has all of these strengths. Yet, that’s precisely the point.

This framework comes from the VIA Institute’s research on character strengths. Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Christopher Peterson identified 24 character strengths that are universal across cultures and contribute to human flourishing. What makes their work powerful is understanding how individual character strengths cluster into six virtues (Wisdom, Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence) that show up differently in different people.

Our individual strengths serve different purposes. The relationship strengths create connection and trust. The perseverance and leadership translate vision into action. The hope and zest fuel forward movement. The honesty and judgment ground everything in integrity.

Now, Discover Your Strengths

After our conversation, I returned to Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton’s Now, Discover Your Strengths with fresh understanding. Their central insight that the most effective teams aren’t composed of people with the same strengths, but people with complementary strengths who’ve learned to appreciate what each person brings moved from theory to lived experience.

They write something to the effect that you will excel only by maximizing your strengths, never by fixing your weaknesses.

We didn’t try to make everyone more strategic, or more empathetic, or more organized. We named what each person already brings exceptionally well. In doing that, we stopped seeing our differences as gaps to fill and started seeing them as the complete picture we create together.

If you’re curious about your own character strengths, the VIA Character Strengths assessment is free and takes about 15 minutes. It identifies your top strengths from 24 possibilities. These are not intended to be professional skills or accomplishments, but who you are when you’re most yourself.

The real value after reviewing your individual results is in what happens when you lay multiple people’s strengths side by side and look for patterns: Where do you overlap? Where are you different? How might those differences actually complement each other?

Our family conversation confirmed what I keep seeing in my work. When people shift from trying to think alike to honoring complementary strengths, everything opens up.

I recently worked with a family making their first collective grant decision. The strategic thinker mapped the theory of change. The relationship builder connected with the organization’s leadership. The storyteller articulated why this work aligned with family values. The analytical one established clear metrics. Each person contributed through their strengths. Together, they created something that was greater than the sum of its parts.

This pattern is true for families beyond those considering philanthropy together. I’ve seen this same shift with adult siblings planning care for aging parents, multi-generational families preserving their stories, cousins navigating shared business ventures, and couples figuring out how to support causes they each care about.

The pattern is always the same. When we name and appreciate what each person brings, collaboration moves from obligation to opportunity.

You don’t need to create a formal family mission statement to benefit from this approach. Here’s how it could work:

Start with a clear invitation. “I’d like to understand how our family fits together by understanding each person’s strengths. Would you be willing to have that conversation?” No subtle trickery. Just a genuine invitation.

Create real space. Several hours, not 20 minutes.

Use structure. Go around so everyone speaks. Listen without immediately responding.

Look for patterns together. Where do you overlap? Where are you different?

Consider bringing in help. Sometimes the most important role in a family conversation is held by someone who isn’t in the family. A skilled facilitator can create safety, notice dynamics that family members are too close to see, and make space for voices that might otherwise stay quiet.

If you’re thinking, “My family needs help with this,” that’s not a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign of wisdom. In fact, it often takes more courage to say “we need support” than to keep trying on your own and being disappointed.

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another, the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden.

But if these minds get out of harmony with one another, it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.”

— Buddha

This season, you might start simply by sharing one strength you appreciate in each family member over a meal. Or invite everyone to take the free VIA assessment and compare results. Or reach out to me to explore how a facilitated conversation could help your family articulate what matters most. The families who find the most joy in working together aren’t the ones who wait for the perfect moment. They’re the ones who decide to create it.