“Your visions will become clear only when you look into your own heart.”
— Carl Jung

This insight crystallized recently when I began working with a family exploring whether they could work together in their family philanthropy. I approached my initial conversations with curiosity as their interests couldn’t have been more different. One member was passionate about international environmental conservation while his sister championed local arts institutions across the country. Their brother focused relentlessly on human rights advocacy. Their parents were passionate about their church community and wanted to address basic needs including food insecurity, housing, and healthcare.

On the surface, these seemed like competing priorities destined for compromise at best or conflict at worst. But as we moved deeply through the exploration of their values asking not just what you care about, but why, a pattern emerged. The environmental advocate wasn’t just concerned about climate change; he cared that low-income communities bore the brunt of environmental damage while having the least access to green spaces. The arts champion wasn’t just supporting culture; she was troubled by how arts education and participation remained siloed by zip code and income. The human rights activist kept returning to barriers that prevented marginalized groups from accessing justice systems.

This is what happens when families prioritize doing the values work. Each person did the work of understanding what truly mattered to them- not what they thought they should care about, not what would please others, but what genuinely moved them. And in that individual clarity, they found their collective heartbeat.

In family philanthropy, this framework is transformative. Too often, families start with “What should we fund?” or “How should we structure our giving?” But the families that create sustainable, joyful philanthropy across generations start with “Why does this matter to us?”

Here’s the crucial insight: that collective “why” can only emerge authentically when each person has first clarified their individual “why”. This is where Murray Bowen’s concept of differentiation of self becomes essential. Bowen describes this as the ability to maintain your own sense of identity and values while staying emotionally connected to your family system. It’s about being clear enough about who you are that you can be genuinely present with others. In family philanthropy, you can’t articulate a collective “why” if each person hasn’t first clarified their individual “why.”

There’s a vulnerability in articulating your values. It means revealing what you care about most deeply which also reveals what could hurt you most. I see this hesitation often in families, particularly among younger generations who worry that naming their own values might disappoint their elders or create conflict with siblings.

Yet what I’ve witnessed repeatedly is that this courage to be clear creates connection rather than division. When each family member takes responsibility for knowing their own values, something remarkable happens. People speak with genuine conviction. They listen with real curiosity. They discover unexpected points of resonance. From that foundation of individual clarity, families find authentic points of connection with each other. This doesn’t mean everyone agrees on everything. Individual family members still have different interests. But they’ve moved from competing priorities to complementary expressions of shared values. That shift changes everything.

“Know thyself” – Socrates

The structure is simple: everyone takes turns speaking while others simply listen. No interrupting. No responding. No planning what you’ll say next. When everyone has spoken once, you go around again. And then once more. Three full rounds.

What makes this powerful is what can emerge in each successive round. The first round typically surfaces positions and tension. By the second, having been truly heard, people begin speaking from a different place and articulate what they think and why it matters. By the third round, people discover values that they didn’t know that they held and hear connections that they didn’t expect.

One family used this process to discuss what role philanthropy should play in their lives. The parents had always assumed their adult children would want to continue the family‘s charitable giving. The adult children assumed they were obligated to care about their parents’ causes. No one had ever asked each other: What do you actually care about? What breaks your heart? What gives you hope?

Three rounds of listening later, they discovered that while their specific interests differed (one cared about mental health, another about education equity, a third about environmental justice), they all shared a deep commitment to ensuring opportunity wasn’t determined by zip code. That clarity became the foundation for everything that followed.

The Listening Circle does something crucial: it creates space for each person to take responsibility for their own values while staying connected to the family. Individual clarity is often what brings families together.

“To listen is to lean in, softly, with a willingness to be changed by what we hear”
— Mark Nepo

I recently worked with a family whose journey illustrates the power of clarifying values. The founding generation built their wealth through manufacturing and wanted to support workforce development. The next generation cared deeply about climate justice and democratic participation. Rather than starting with “what should we fund,” we began with “what do each of you value most deeply?” The founding generation talked about dignity of work and economic self-determination. The next generation spoke about future generations’ wellbeing and collective action.

Patterns emerged as we mapped their values. Both generations cared about agency, people’s ability to shape their own futures. They all valued economic justice and believed in investing in systems, not just individuals.

These shared values became their family mission statement: “We invest in people’s capacity to shape thriving futures for themselves and their communities.” With a clarified vision, they are now exploring grants that support green jobs training and civic engagement initiatives. They may have different interests, but they have a unified purpose.

What I’m Wondering: Your Values Journey

As families navigate this extraordinary moment of wealth transfer and evolving expectations around impact, I find myself imagining what becomes possible:

• What if you gave yourself permission to explore your values without judgment to discover what genuinely moves you rather than what you think should matter?
• What if your family created space for each person to articulate their values and truly be heard, not to debate or convince, but to understand?
• What if you discovered that what seemed like competing priorities were actually complementary expressions of shared values waiting to be named?
• What if your family mission statement became the foundation for innovation, collaboration, and joy in your giving?
• What’s a core value for which you will not compromise?

Values clarification isn’t a preliminary step before the “real” work of philanthropy begins. It is the real work. It’s what transforms obligation into opportunity, what allows families to give together across generations with authenticity and joy.

When you know your values, and when you know each other’s values, you create the foundation for a shared vision that can guide your family‘s giving for generations to come. The compass that guides you individually becomes the map you navigate together. And that’s where the most meaningful philanthropy lives: at the intersection of personal clarity and collective purpose.